Unless your lifestyle choices are as spooky as mine are year-round, you’re probably in the mood for some tricks and treats this Halloween. I think we can all agree that the scariest part of October isn’t the witches or ghosts
or sugar-addled children, but the horror of picking out the most important outfit of the year: your Halloween costume.
Long gone are the days where I could just pop into Party City and pick out a cheap fix. Alas, now that I’m an “adult,” I have to look hot and pretend IDGAF about dressing up at the same damn time. If you’re as stressed as I am about making a good impression on the All Hallows’ Eve, here are some guidelines for what your costume says about you.
The political costume. Considering we’re well into 2017 (and dangerously close to 2018, come to think of it), I’m going to throw shade at anyone who shows up to party in a Trump or Hillary ensemble. The election is over, it’s cancelled. *Cue Joanne the Scammer’s voice*. While sure, it’s very in to make fun of the past and/or current administrations, in actuality, your costume screams that you’re
someone I plan on avoiding all night long white-girl wasted and looking for any excuse to talk politics. It’s so overdone, unless of course you rock the Hurricane Melania stilettos. That’s just impressive.
The throwback costume. This retro idea is a personal favorite, seeing as I’ve deemed myself the kween of throwbacks. Not only does any outfit choice from a past decade say you’re chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool, but you’ll impress others with your nostalgic charm. Clueless about what character to dress up as? Cher Horowitz and Dionne Davenport got your back. Or maybe you and a group of gal pals want to spice things up? Try the most popular girl gang’s 90s girl-power style. I once even went as Flava Flav (clock and all, obvs) and the icebreaker spoke for itself. The ideas are endless, and you’ll be radiating good vibes all night long.
The “cutesy” animal costume. Unless you’re showing up as Karen from Mean Girls (you’re a mouse, duh!), this
lingerie and pair of animal ears costume tells everyone you’re almost as unoriginal as the slutty nurse or cop. I promise you won’t be the only black cat in the room (looking at you, Gretchen Wieners), so that in itself should be reason enough to change your personality outfit and get on with it. The only exception for this year will be the Playboy Bunny. (RIP Hugh Hefner, you’ve taught us so well.)
The intense makeup costume. This costume could be anything in the supernatural world, such as a mermaid, an alien or that creepy yet festive zombie-skeleton-thing. These costumes allow those creatives among us to brag about their artistry and show off their makeup skills (I see you). However, despite your (humble?) boasts, no one can deny the Halloween expertise that is your face. Personally, messy Pennywise from It is my everyday aesthetic, but hats off to you for your creativity and pure talent.
The pop culture costume. Thanks to the internet, it seems like there’s always something to talk about nowadays (@Kylie’s future baby). Whether you love it or love to hate it, we all live and breathe pop culture. Some common themes this year include wrestlers from GLOW, Eleven from Stranger Things or Wonder Woman. (Normally I’d lump superhero costumes in with the yawn-tastic nurse and cop getup, but Gal Gadot has won me over). These uniforms tell me you’re here for a good time and a couple of laughs along the way. Just remember, if you’re going to make it “punny,” make sure people actually know what tf you’re getting at.
So whether you’re channeling your inner Tim Burton or not dressing up at all (lame, tbh), just remember to eat, drink and be scary. Here’s to a magical Halloween!