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My Experience at Germany’s Oktoberfest (From What I Remember)

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It’s been two weeks since I went to the beeriest festival in the world and I’m still recovering. The history of Oktoberfest started is pretty epic: A king wanted to to celebrate his new wifey so he created a festival for her and invited all his subjects to party and get drunk. And yet I can’t even get a text back? F you, Bumble scrubs.

Although I don’t remember much from that weekend, I did learn some insider tips to help you from looking like an “American fool.” And even if you can’t make it to the real thing, you can still take these tips with you to the Sam Adams Octoberfest in the uber-cool Wynwood Dome and you’ll be the most cultured person there. Bonus Tip: Sign up for our good-to-know news on Goodtella.com and you could win TWO FREE TICKETS to attend the event this weekend yourself! #SCORE

Don’t eat the cookies. So you’re making out with a hot German boy and all of a sudden he puts a cookie necklace on you. Even if you’re like “Oh my god yas I’m starving!” DON’T DO IT! Tell your inner fat girl to chill and eat a pretzel instead. Apparently, these cookies are a sign of good luck and meant to be kept forever…even when moldy.

Don’t tie your apron bow in the front and center. It means you’re either down for whatever…or a virgin. (How can it possibly mean both?) It’s true though, the way you tie your apron is VERY important. In the front to your left means you’re single, on the right you’re taken and in the middle you’re either unsure or a virgin. But def don’t be like me and tie it in the back—it means your husband died. I kept getting weird looks all day until my Bavarian bestie corrected my bow. #OOPS

Wearing someone’s clothespin mean you’re taken. Or in my case, someone’s bitch. No joke, my German boyfriend, gave me a pin that said “Adri’s Bitch” and I’m pretty sure every guy avoided me after that. So unless you plan on not hooking up with anyone else for the rest of the fest, I suggest you drop it like it’s hot. Or lie and say your girlfriend gave it to you.

Wear a nice, proper dirndl, AKA those “beer maiden” outfits that make your boobs like fabulous. Unless you want beer as an accessory to your getup, I suggest not buying the Party City version and opting for the real deal.

If you can’t chug a beer, expect people to boo and throw food. I don’t get why they enjoy wasting such precious things like pretzels and sausage, but if you’re lame enough to not finish your beer in front of thousands of people, then maybe you kind of deserve it.

The Hofbrau and Lowenbrau tents are where all the Brits and Aussies hang out. These guys are craziest motherf*ckers at the festival. If you are into watching MMA or wrestling we suggest hanging out there—every two seconds there’s another fight. But the best part about these tents—other than the hot accents—is that mostly everyone speaks English.

When in doubt, shout “Prost!” and enjoy your beer. Cheers!

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